my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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