Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
