My sheets look like a crime scene.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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