What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
