I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
