So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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