I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
