I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
