don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
