The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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