From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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