i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
