Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
