im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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