my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
