My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
