Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
