Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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