Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
