I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Im part way to drunk.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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