My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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