I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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