Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
