I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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