Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
