i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
