So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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