the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
