Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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