I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
tell me about the eggs
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
