don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
