what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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