can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
