One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
