I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
