Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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