M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
