shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
