Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
