Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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