dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
