My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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