she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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