just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
