She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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