There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
