There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
