so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
