I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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