I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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