Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
